


You Have My Heart and Soul

by sorrows



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-01 22:26:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorrows/pseuds/sorrows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard and Frank finally get back in contact years after the band split up. Old feelings resurface and Frank realizes how much he misses feeling alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic both Frank and Gerard live in Jersey and the band broke up after Gerard got married in 2007 after project rev. WARNING: Can be triggering, contains suicide. Read at your own risk.

"Daddy!" I heard three little voices call out as three little bodies jumped on my bed. I sat up on my elbow and rubbed my eyes. I opened them to see my kids Cherry, Lily, and Miles. Cherry was dressed as a princess, Lily was dressed as a witch, and Miles was a pirate. "Happy birthday, daddy!" They all cheered together.  
"Thank you, kidos!" I said wrapping my arms around all three of them, "I love your outfits,"   
Just then my wife walked in with a mug of coffee, "Happy birthday, honey." She said pecking my lips and handing me the coffee.  
"Thank you, babe" I said before taking a sip of the brown liquid. "Ah, what would I do without coffee,"  
"Cmon' kids, lets go finish daddy's birthday breakfast," Jamia said, standing by the door. The kids jumped off the bed and ran frantically out the door, a small grin creeped on to my face watching my kids. I loved them so much. I took another sip of my coffee and grabbed my phone off the bedside table and opened twitter.

**"@FrankIero: Happy Halloween, everyone!"**

After I had tweeted I scrolled through my mentions and answered a few happy birthday tweets and a few questions, then my phone started buzzing. I didn't bother reading the caller id, as I asummed it was my dad or my mom calling to wish me happy birthday, but the voice that spoke was definitely not my parents.  
"Hey," The voice said awkwardly  
"Oh, h-hey Gerard," I stuttered. Gerard and I hadn't talked since the band broke up.  
"I was just calling to wish you a happy birthday," Gerard said.  
A small smile creeped onto my face, I'd missed his voice so much. I'd missed him so much, "Thank's Gee,"  
"So, um h-how have you been?"  
"I've been good. What about you?" I asked, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.  
"I've been good t- What? How the fuck should I know?" Gerard yelled to someone on the other side of the phone.  
"Is everything alright, Gee?"  
"Yeah, Lindsey's been a little moody lately. I don't know what's going on with her," Gerard said with a sigh.  
"Oh, that's too bad. I hope you guys can sort things out," I'd never liked Lindsey. When we were on Projekt Revolution with her band back in 2007 was when they had gotten married. I pushed away the thought of their marriage, feeling a slight pang of hurt and jealousy, and put my focus back on Gerard.   
"Me too. Atleast for Bandit's sake, I think she's starting to pick up on our fights,"   
"Well I appreciate you calling," I said after a few moments of silence, "Call me sometime and we can go out a have coffee or something,"  
"Sure, I'd like that," Gerard chirped, I could practically see the smile on his face. We both said our goodbyes and I hung up right before hearing my wife calling me to breakfast.

As I walked to the kitchen, memories started flooding back like a tidal wave. I remembered all the good and the bad that we had been through together, but one particular memory stuck out like a sore thumb. Gerard's wedding.

 

~

 

_"Frank?" I heard Ray's voice call, "Frank, you're missing the ceremony," Then the backdoor to the venue swung open._   
_"Frank you're missin-," he paused as he saw the tears streaming down my face, "Frank, what's wrong?"_   
_"I can't do this, Ray," I sobbed, "I can't watch the love of my life shove me away like this,"_   
_Ray sat down beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders in an attempt to comfort me, but I just ended up sobbing into his shoulder, "I'm sorry Frankie. I can't imagine how much this hurts but I think you need to go in and at least pretend to support your best friend,"_   
_I sniffed and wiped my eyes, "Okay," I agreed. Ray hoisted me off the ground and walked me back into the venue. We walked in right as they were enchanging vows._   
_"I take you Lindsey, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health," Gerard looked me in the eyes, "Until death do us apart,"_   
_That did it for me. I felt a single tear run down my cheek. That tear held my heart and soul, and my heart shattered as it hit the ground. I turned around and ran out of the venue once again, I didn't stop running until I was back at our tour bus. I ran in and slammed the door behind me. I collapsed onto the couch and began to cry once again. I must've been sitting there crying for at least 10 minutes before I finally got up. I knew what I was going to do, I walked into the bathroom, opened the cabinate, and pulled out a bottle of Xanax. I didn't know who's it was and I really didn't care at this point. I opened the bottle and poured out a handful. I stared at them for a few seconds before holding my hand up to my mouth and throwing back my head, throwing the pills into my mouth. I filled up a cup with water and swallowed them all. I then walked to my bunk leaving the open bottle on the counter and curled up with a blanket, waiting for death. Inviting it. After about half an hour my vision started to blur and I became dizzy. As my vision blackened I muttered a tiny "Gerard"._

~

_I kissed Lindsey one last time before walking to my tour bus to crash, I was fucking tired from the show today. As I walked into the bus something didn't feel right. I continued walking into the bathroom and found a half empty Xanax bottle with a glass of water sitting beside of it._   
_"No," I whispered before running to Frank's bunk. I tour open the curtain to find him curled up in a ball, pale as snow. "NO!" I yelled as I held Frank's face in my hands. "Please no!" I yelled. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911._   
_"911, what is your emergency?" A woman's voice asked._   
_"I need an ambulance," I said through my tears, "At the Verizon Ampitheater in Charlotte, My band mate has taken half a bottle of pills,"_   
_"What is your name, and the name of the person who took the pills?"_   
_"I'm Gerard Way, and the man who took the pills is Frank Iero,"_   
_"What tour bus?"_   
_"Black with 'My Chemical Romance' Written on the side," I said, my voice weavering as I tried to speak clearer._   
_"The ambulance will be there shortly," The woman said after a about 30 seconds._   
_"Thank you," I said as I hung up. I pulled frank's body out of the bunk and clutched his small frame in my hands. "This is all my fault, I didn't mean for this to happen." I sobbed, "Please don't leave me, I love you," I said as I put my forehead to his._   
_About 10 minutes later an ambulance arrived and the doctors carried Frank out of the bus, I followed and got on the ambulance with them, the guys would follow us on the tour bus. As we were riding to the hospital I prayed to whoever was watching over us, whether it be god, or some other spiritual being, that Frank would be okay. I felt so guilty. This was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Why did I look him in the eyes when I said my vows? Why the fuck would I hurt him like that? I'm such a horrible person. I just wanted to get the point across that we were through. Why the fuck would I be so harsh? That isn't me._   
_As we arrived at the hospital the heart monitor that Frank was hooked up to stopped. At that moment my heart stopped as well. I started screaming._   
_"NO! PLEASE NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" I yelled as they pulled him out of the ambulance. I jumped out and ran after them but two doctors held me back. "NO! HE CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS!" I screamed, thrashing around like a maniac. Ray, Bob, and Mikey finally arrived and ran up to where I was. "What happened?" Ray asked._   
_"The heart monitor stopped," I sobbed, collapsing on the ground. Ray picked me up and carried me into the hospital waiting room, tears streaming down his face as well, and sat me down in one of the chairs. The room was empty so I was free to be as loud as I wanted without looking like a phyco._   
**_This can't be happening._ **

~

_I woke up to a brightness that could blind someone. I blinked a few times and realized where I was. A hospital. Why the fuck was I in a hospital? Then it came back to me._   
_Why the fuck didn't it work? I should be dead right now._   
_"Oh your awake!" I heard a woman say, I turned toward the door and saw a woman dressed in white walk in, "You gave us quite a scare!"_   
_I rolled my eyes, Why did they save me? It was clear I wanted to be dead. "I'll just go tell your friends you're awake," The woman said before leaving the room._   
_Fuck. Gerard is probably with them. I can't bare to see him right now. I just can't. I wouldn't be able to keep myself from breaking down. Just then the door swung open and my fears were confirmed, it was Gerard. He looked me in the eyes and I saw that his were puffy and blood shot, his hair messy and matted more than usual._   
_"Frank," He whispered. I felt my eyes start to water, "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I didn't mean for this to happen, I was too harsh, I-"_   
_"Gerard," I stopped him, "Don't," I barely whispered._   
_"Frank please," He begged, walked towards my bed and sitting down in the chair beside it, "I love you,"_   
_That tore it. That ripped my sanity to shreads, "Well obviously not," I said, my voice laced with venom, "Gerard why do you even care? Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be with Lindsey," I spat._   
_It was silent for a minute, "I was the one who found you," He whispered, "I didn't know what to think when I tore open your bunk. You were just laying there pale as a sheet of paper, on the verge of death beacause of me," He said, tears pouring down his face, "You're here because of me,"_   
_"What do you want me to say, Gerard? I loved you so much and you sold your life away to her and basically shoved me out of your life. What did you expect?" I practically yelled._   
_"Frank-" He began._   
_"Just go," I said barely over a whisper. He nodded and turned and walked out of the room. I was left with silence, with the remaints of my anger floating around. I was left with nothing._

~

That was the last time I saw him. The band broke up after that, due to the fact that all of us were too emotionally unstable to go on. We simply couldn't be and band and be happy anymore, so we ended it, and now as I sat with my family eating my birthday breakfast I realized how much I missed the guys. I realized how much I missed feeling alive.


	2. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm sorry for the shortness of the chapter but I wanted to leave off there and I really didn't feel like writing more of this chapter. I promise the next one will be longer!

Saturday afternoon, Jamia and I were sitting in a starbucks discussing something unimportant and irrelevant to that point and time as usual. It seemed all we ever talked about was unimportant, just useless chit chat, trying to make conversation. I started noticing it after Gerard called me on Thursday. It was almost like we didn't know how to communicate with each other after being together practically all our lives. I couldn't help but compare Jamia and I to Gerard and I. Gerard's conversations always had a point, a lesson to be learned if you will. Gerard was really smart, not just book smart but just smart about life. He could probably be a philosopher if he wanted to, he'd be a damn good one. Anything Gerard was talking about, he could always relate it to life. Hell, he could probably relate coffee to the meaning of life, and I'm pretty sure he already had. Jamia on the other hand, couldn't relate anything. Anything she said was completely irrelevant to life, it was just something to make conversation. It wasn't awkward per se but just pointless. Our conversations were never interesting. I always ended up going into my own thoughts while she was talking just because she couldn't hold my attention. Right before we were about to get up and leave my cell phone started ringing.  
"Hello?" I said after picking up the phone.  
"Hey, frank," Gerard's voice rang out.  
"Oh hey, Gee. What's up?"  
"Nothing much just wanted to know if you were up for that coffee tomorrow?" Gerard asked shyly. That was the thing, even though Gerard could strike up a conversation and leave people mesmerized, he was the shyest person on the planet. I always thought it was cute.  
"Sure! That sounds great, what time?"  
"How about around eleven?" He asked, perking up and cracking out of his shell.  
"Yea that's perfect. I'll see you tomorrow,"  
"Mkay, see you," I nodded to myself, sealing the deal and hung up. I took one last sip of my coffee and looked up at my obviously annoyed wife.  
"What's wrong, babe?" I internally shivered at that, I can't put my finger on why, but calling her babe all of a sudden made me feel really awkward. Like that label didn't belong on her anymore. I mentally slapped myself, what's wrong with me? She's my fucking wife and here I am saying I don't like calling her _babe_ anymore.  
"You know what's wrong," She said her voice pissed off, "You know I don't like him,"  
"Who Gerard?" I asked stunned, "What are you threatened by him? He's just my friend,"  
"I know that you guys had a thing at some point, but it better be over," She spat.  
"It is," I said starting to get angry, "That was years ago, Jamia. We're just two friends going out to get coffee,"  
She clicked her tounge and nodded, then got up and threw away her coffee. I followed her throwing mine in the same bin. Something about just walking with her or going anywhere with her now just made me feel like more of a pet than a husband. I looked down at my left hand and gazed at the gold band around my finger. It suddenly didn't have the same meaning as it did before. I didn't feel tied to Jamia anymore, more like a a piece of ice, breaking off and floating away from it's other half. I felt like I was falling out of love with Jamia. Our love was going out like a candle.

~

When we got home Jamia immediately went to our bedroom and slammed the door. I walked into the living room to find my kids on the floor playing with barbies and my mom watching TV.  
"Thanks for watching the kids, Ma." I said going over to give her a hug.  
"No problem, anything to get an excuse to see my grandchildren," she replied with smile.  
I grinned and giggled a little, mom always wanted to see the kids. She loved them more than anything.  
I walked her out to her, feeling the October wind on my skin made me feel so good. I loved this time of the year.  
"Is everything alright with Jamia?" She asked, "I saw her storm down the hall and heard the door slam,"  
"Yea," I lied, "I think she's just tired, probably just slammed it on accident." She gave me a suspicious look but let the subject go, which I was thankful for.  
We said our goodbyes and I went back inside before my terrible immune system and allergies started acting up. I walked back into the living room and sat down on the floor to play with my kids. It seemed it'd been forever since I'd actually had quality time with them.  
"Is mommy okay?" Lily asked, "She scared me when she slammed the door,"  
"Everything is okay, sweetheart," I said and gave her a hug, "Mommy's just tired." I hated that the kids were picking up on this. They shouldn't have to be worried with this, it isn't fair to them.  
For the rest of the night I spent time with my kids. I played barbie, pirates, cooking, grocery shopping, and my personal favorite cops and robbers. I loved spending time with them, it was the thing that kept me going. These days they kept me going more than my _own wife_. My mind started drifting to Gerard and pretty soon I was thinking about the old days of makeout sessions behind the bus after shows. _No_. I can't start thinking like that, I can't be with him again. I just can't, it wouldn't be the same. I'm nervous as it is of seeing him for the first time since the suicide attempt, of course we'd, very rarely, talked on the phone before, but it'd been about a year or two since I'd heard his voice when he called me on Thursday. He sounded really run down, so unlike himself. His voice was rougher, he sounded like he did back in his depression days. Sounded like he was on a major hangover. I didn't know what to expect tomorrow, and honestly I was scared as fuck.


	3. Jitters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is really short as well. I kind of like them better like that instead of writing 6000 word chapters. I don't know I might make the next chapter longer.

The next day came far to quickly. I was scared as fuck. I didn't know if I could do this, I mean I hadn't seen him in 6 years. Talking on the phone isn't the same as seeing someone. For all I know, Gerard could be a completely different person, and that scared the shit out of me. He really didn't seem himself on the phone, there wasn't much life left in his voice. He just sounded ready to leave this earth, and that scared me too. That wasn't like Gerard at all, he was always so full of life and just so peppy and ready to face the next day. I was terrified of what I might see at that coffee shop today.

It was half past ten when I grabbed my car keys and walked out the door, I couldn't wait any longer. I just couldn't sit still, I knew the coffee shop was just a few blocks away but I just couldn't wait. As I hopped in the car I felt my stomach start to fill with butterflies, half nervous, half excited. I was happy to finally be seeing Gerard again but I was really fucking nervous, which is why I spent an hour getting ready this morning. On the way there I was predicting what Gerard might look like. I thought maybe he'd have a few grey hairs, he'd probably look a few years older than his real age due to how stressed he sounded but he'd still give that famous Gerard smile. He hated to make people worry about him, always had and probably always will. Even when he was going through his alcoholic times he plastered on a smile just so people wouldn't worry. And that worked. For awhile, then things got worse. He started drinking 24/7, he was _never_ sober. He started taking more pills and then he admitted to Brain, our manager, that he had moved up to cocaine.  
One night I had walked into our bus to find him with a handful of pills and I had to talk him down. I had ended up with a wet shirt smudged with eyeliner and Gerard falling asleep on me. He may always seem strong on the outside but that night he opened up, and I saw him in a whole new light. I saw the real Gerard. The fragile, emotional Gerard. He was like child trapped in an adult body. Our band in general had to grow up to fast, it took off too quick, and that contributed to the end. Everything that had put us on top ended up turning on us and desroying us.

As I pulled into a parking space I started feeling nauseous. What was going to happen? _Fuck_ , anything could happen.   
I walked in and ordered my usual from my usual brista. I looked around, the place wasn't deserted, but it wasn't crowded.   
Then I saw him. He was sitting in the corner, with his coffee clutched close to him. He looked... different. His hair was shorter and he tips were bleached blonde while the rest was brown. As I took my cup and walked closer I noticed more detail. There were dark circles around his eyes and bags under them. They weren't that bad but they were noticeable. He was wearing a plaid flannel shirt and blue jeans. I almost didn't recognise him, but I would know those eyes anywhere. As soon as he saw me walking toward him his eyes went wide, he slowly stood up and pushed his hands into his pockets.   
"Hi," I said.  
"Hey," Gerard murmered. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and pulled me in for a hug, and let me tell you, it was a genuine "I fucking missed you so much" hug. I stood up on my tip toes and wrapped my arms around his neck. He smelled like coffee and e-cigs, it was a nice smell. We stood there for what seemed like hours just holding each other, neither one of us having the will power to pull away. I'm sure people were staring but I honestly didn't care.  
"I missed you so much," Gerard suddenly said, tangling his fingers in my hair like he used to do to calm me down and almost sounding like he was going to cry.  
"I missed you too, Gee," I said before finally gaining the strength to pull away. I looked up at him and realised he actually was crying, "No, don't cry," I said, whiping away his tears and feeling like I myself might start crying.  
Gerard sniffed and rubbed at his nose, "Let's get out of here. I need some fresh air," He said grabbing his coffee. I nodded and followed him out of the coffee shop. We walked a few blocks to the park down the street from my house. This was the park that I proposed to Jamia in. A wave of anger washed over me as I remembered when she had gotten mad at the coffee shop yesterday. I don't know why the fuck she would get mad about me going to see a friend I hadn't seen in years. God she was such a fucking hypocrit. She goes to see friends all the time, leaving _me_ to take care of the kids, but when I want to go see a friend, no that's not okay, I have to stay home with her.  
"So how are things?" Gerard broke the silence as we sat down on a bench. He pulled out an e-cigarette and breathed in a huge puff.  
"Good," I lied, "What about you? You look a little run down,"   
"I'm okay, I guess. Like I said Linds has been moody lately and we always end up in arguements after just starting with a simple conversation," He took a puff from the e-cig, almost like he was trying to smoke the subject away. I noticed that his eyes didn't have the same sparkle that they used to, they looked dead, and that scared me. That definately wasn't like Gerard. After he got sober in 2004 he always looked so happy, he could light up a room with just his smile.  
"I'm sorry," I said honestly, looking him in the eyes, "You and Lindsey always seemed so happy,"  
Gerard sort of shrugged and took another puff before holding the e-cig out to me, silently asking if I wanted a puff. I merely shook my head and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes that I had bought yesterday, "I hate e-cigs. Something about the taste just isn't right."   
He nodded and took another puff, "Been trying to quit recently. I want to quit for B. I want to be around to see her grow up and have kids, you know? Even though that thought scares me right now, I know that I'll want to be around for my grandchildren," He took one last drag and then stuffed the e-cig in his pocket, "I want to see her grow up, but then again I don't want her to grow up. It's complicated,"  
I nodded "I feel the same way. God thinking about my kids growing up scares me, but then again I want to see them grow and prosper," I used my hands making gestures trying to show how I was feeling. I put away my cigarettes, now thinking about my kids. I wanted to be around to see them grow, to see them start a family of their own one day.

We sat at that bench for god knows how long, just talking. Catching up. Laughing together like old times, a few times I could have sworn I saw his eyes flicker to life. After about 2 hours of just sitting there talking, I decided I had better get back home to Jamia and the kids. We walked back to the coffee shop to get our cars, hugged, promising each other we would go out and see a movie or something soon, and parted ways. I really didn't want to go home, but I knew I had to, but first I went over to the trash can and threw my ciggarettes in the trash. I didn't need them anymore. After that problem was resolved, I trudged over to my car and made the short drive back home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took so long. I've been extremely busy with school and just haven't had the time.

Jamia met me at the door with a handful of papers. "I'm leaving you," she said walking past me with a few bags setting them on the coffee table.  
"What?" I asked, surprised, "If it's about yesterday at the coffee shop, I'm sorry okay? I just wanted to go out with a friend. We're nothing more but friends,"  
"No, Frank it's not about yesterday. I've been with someone else for awhile and I'm tired of leading you on," She breathed, as if it was nothing.  
"You were cheating on me..?" I asked angry tears filling my eyes. "Fuck you," I snapped at her.  
"Those are the divorce papers," she said nodding to the papers in my hands, "See you in court in 2 weeks," and with that she grabbed her bags and left.  
"Daddy?" Cherry asked, creeping out of her room with Lily and Miles following, "Where's mommy going?"  
"She's um-" I stopped and thought about something to say, "She's going on vacation for awhile," I said whipping my eyes with the back of my hand.  
"Oh," she said  
"Daddy can we go play out in the backyard?" Lily asked me.  
"Sure, go ahead, I'll meet you out there in a minute," I watched my kids race to the backyard.

I picked up my phone and dialed Gerard's number. I needed to talk to someone.  
"Hello?" I heard his voice say.  
"H-Hey" I stuttered trying not to let the tears spill out of my eyes.  
"Hey Frank, are you okay? You sound sort of off,"  
"Jamia left me," the first of many tears slipped out of my eye.  
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Hold on I'll come over," he said, sounding like he was already out the door.  
"Okay," I wiped my eyes again "See you in a few,"

Before I knew it there was a knock at the door. I opened it and Gerard immediately envoloped me in a hug.  
"I'm so sorry," He said rubbing my back.  
"Thank you," I said threading my fingers into his hair.  
"Are you ok?" He said pulling back and looking me in my eyes.  
"I don't know," I breathed "honestly I'm more worried about the kids,"  
Gerard gave me a concerned look right before the kids ran in.  
"Daddy! We found a-" Lily stopped dead in her tracks, "Who's that?"  
"Kids, this is Gerard. He's a good friend of mine."  
"Hi!" Gerard said, his face lighting up.  
"Can he come play with us?" Miles asked  
"If he wants to, sure!"  
"I'd love to!" He said a big grin spreading across his face.  
"I'll be out in a second," I said as they went back outside.  
I walked into my bedroom and opened the bottom drawer of my dresser, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. I hadn't thrown these out yet and I was glad I hadn't. I needed one right now. I walked into my bathroom and cracked the window. After lighting up my cigarette I breathed in a huge puff. Man it felt so good, I could never figure out why though. You put this cancerous death stick between your teeth and basically kill yourself with every puff you take in, but it feels so good. It seems to take your problems away for at least two seconds, which I desperately needed right now. I started thinking about what this divorce process was going to be like but shoved the thought away and took another puff of my cancer stick. Seems like no one can stay together anymore. People just rush into the idea of marriage and completely disregard getting to know the person your selling your life to. We put this thought of the perfect all american family in our childrens' minds as if that's what your supposed to do when you grow up. We ask our children what they want to be when they grow up as if they can't simply be a child for right now. When they turn eighteen we shove them into the real world after babying them for their whole life. We shove them into a world of being on your own and monthly bills. Then they get married, have kids, and repeat the process. It's an endless cycle going nowhere. I threw my cigarette in the toilet and flushed it down then proceeded to walk out to the backyard. Gerard was on the ground playing with some action figures with the kids. I walked over and sat down next to him and we remained there for the rest of the day.

 


End file.
